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October 13, 2006

Seriously?

I. Have. Mono.

Yes, Mono, as in Mononucleosis. I guess I should stop hooking up with random frat boys in my spare time on the weekends. (And it's sad that the "no drinking" part of mono affected me more when I was 18 and had it and could not legally consume alcohol than it does now when I can). So what does this mean? It means I get to be a working mom who has mono so I don't only have mommy-exhaustion, I also have mono-exhaustion. Plus I don't get to go to strollerfit for at least 6 weeks. Do I get out of work? No. Now, when I had mono in college, I got to stay home for two weeks. Do I get to do this now? No. And of course I don't get a bye on being a mom. So I'm overtired and cranky and I have mono.

Dylan's cleared for daycare on Monday. He's at his Grammy's house today while I'm working from home. He's still congested, but doing better. But the steroid is screwing up his sleeping and I think all the medicine is bothering his belly, because he'll be sleeping and he'll wake up screaming and arching his back. Thankfully, tomorrow is his last day for both the steroid and the antibiotic. Maybe we can go a little while with no drugs so he can get back to normal. Ahh, wonderful. Just in time to start introducing new foods and teething.

The good thing about him going to the doctor so much this week is she measured his head and it's fine. He doesn't have to go back at the end of the month. And his ears look good, so if all goes well, we won't be there again until the end of November for his six month checkup.

Oh, and he has a new thing now. He screams when you try to put him to sleep. The only times it is not a fight is with the beditme bottle at 9:30, when he's in the car or in the stroller. Well, stroller weather is coming to a close and I can't take him for a drive every time he needs to nap. So we spend a good 5-10 minutes writhing around and screaming.

I know I'm always posting bad stuff, but I'm just so tired and cranky. There's good stuff too. He rolled over the other day. He was playing in his play mat and he rolled onto his side and grabbed part of the playmat and pulled himself over. He hasn't done it since, but it was so exciting to see him do that.

It's just hard, you know. The good stuff is great when it is happening, but when you spend 20 minutes with him screaming on you, it sets you off for the whole day. Or when you can't figure out why he's crying. Or if you know why he's crying - like, for example, his stomach hurts - and you don't know what to do about it. I just constantly think that I'm a bad mom and I could be doing better. And I know I'm doing the best I can, and I haven't broken him yet, and daycare keeps telling me he's advanced and all, but I just want him to be happy, and lately he isn't. He's always fussy. And I know he's been sick and that is affecting him, and there are times when he's happy, but he's just so tired all the time because I don't think he sleeps well at night. And now he's waking up early in the morning and he's cold and the doctor said he can't sleep with a blanket yet, so I'm not sure what to do about that either. And it's all just very overwhelming when all you want to do is sleep because you're so unbelievably exhausted beyond the point of coherent speech even.

Ok. Wow. That just kind of came out of nowhere. I just feel so guilty because it's so hard to take care of him, and you would think it would be easy and natural, since it's what you're supposed to do, but lately it just seems like everything is so hard. We figured out the swaddling and stuff to settle him down when he was little, but now we're lost again. I don't know what to do when he's so exhausted he's screaming so hard he looks like he's going to pop a vein. I don't know how to get him to be able to eat his cereal at dinner time. I don't know how to keep him healthy. I don't know what to do about the fact that he's freezing at night. I don't know what I'm going to do when he outgrows his infant carrier carseat in a month and I can't carry him into places with it anymore. And I'm just so tired that all these things seem like insurmountable problems.

It's supposed to get easier, right? I'm waiting.

Posted by Terri at October 13, 2006 10:06 AM

Comments

Is easier the right word? I think that you adjust to the different phases of life that he goes through and then are set up for the next ones - does that make sense? You and Darren are great parents - you have all the love in the world for Dylan and even if you are exhausted, it shines through. You only want wants best for him and for him to be ok - that part is never easy - think about what we put our parents through. But we all came out of it totally fine!!!

Posted by: Vizma at October 13, 2006 07:36 PM

*hugs*

It's hard to hear that you are having such a difficult time and there's nothing your friends from far away can do to make it better... apart from sending virtual hugs again.

I think you are doing a great job as a mom. Especially as you're a working mom. Even more so with mono on top of it all.

You are doing for your kid what you can. He's having a rough time, just the same as you do. All mothers I know tell me that it gets better sometime.

*more huggles*

Posted by: Juno at October 14, 2006 08:35 AM

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